What is EFT?

You’ve asked a great question.  Knowing about the type of therapy you’re engaging in can give you a better understanding of how to use the therapy so that you get the most out of it.    

EFT stand for Emotion Focused Couples Therapy. Here’s the story behind it… 

Years ago, a therapist named Sue Johnson began videoing her sessions to try to get a clearer picture of what was happening between couples.  She had begun to wonder if the attachment research that had shown how babies respond to distress with their mother (see researcher John Bowlby) was the same type of attachment distress that couples were experiencing when they were fighting. 

She discovered that yes, the behaviors that couples were exhibiting in distress were in fact signals of attachment distress. 

Attachment distress means that a person has lost a sense of emotional closeness or emotional safety with their primary attachment figure.  In essence, love is a survival mechanism wired into your very existence that maintains your ability to survive and thrive. The bond created draws you into connection with others, building in a sense of safety and connection you can reach to for the difficult moments of life.

So, when that attachment bond senses disconnection it does what it’s supposed to do and sends signals to alert you. 

You may not consciously feel the attachment alert, but you can know it’s present because of behaviors like anger or criticism. Maybe an emotional shutdown.  Maybe a quiet withdrawal.  Whatever the behavior is, it usually triggers the partners own sense of threat, causing the partner to move into a state of attachment distress as well. 

This is what adults like to call a fight. Fights can feel chaotic, distressing, isolating, like crazymaking. 

But the crazymaking isn’t crazy.  When we’re fighting with our loved ones we’re fighting for security, connection, closeness, safety.  All of these things are worthy of fighting for.

EFT is a type of therapy that slows down the fight in order to help both partners understand what attachment needs have been triggered to cause the signals of distress.  In slowing down these moments couples begin to hear things from their partner like:

“I get so overwhelmed that we’re going to get in another fight and feel disconnected again that I just shutdown hoping to stop the fight from going any further.”

Or something like…

“When you start getting quiet, I can feel you shutting down and I have no idea how to get you to stay with me. I start to get angry because I feel desperate and I don’t know what else to do.” 

Understanding what lies beneath the anger or silence begins to help the couple slow down these fights. They can now see what their partner is doing not as a threat but as a sign that they’re in need of connection and may be struggling with how to reach for it in their distress. 

When partners begin to feel the closeness returning and a renewed sense of sustained emotional connection, they are then able to begin to share their fears and their needs in new ways to a partner who is open and receptive. 

This new responsiveness rebuilds the attachment bond, giving the couple security, connection, and engagement that allows their relationship to grow again. 

If you’d like to read more about EFT you can find the book Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson at anywhere books are sold.  And you can always contact me if you have more specific questions about how this therapy might fit for your situation.